Total Drama Triangle
by CragmiteBlaster
Summary: Birthday present for Dragonie. 3 teens make up 3 points of a triangle of stupidity and are left on top of a freezing mountain. Cold, miserable, angry and more besides, they must get the others to vote for them to win the cash prize before they lose any fingers to frost bite, or worse!


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Total Drama.

 **Note:** Another season?! Well...kinda. This is a birthday present to a very good friend of mine by the username of Dragonie. I wanted to get this done by Christmas, but real life was gnawing on my ankles, you know how it is. Still, this story is very much not as serious in tone as any other I have done, or will do most likely. Indeed, it's very much silly, goofy and totally bonkers. So, what more can I say besides read on and enjoy, especially you Dragonie. :)

Something-something mountain pun.

* * *

The screens of many TV sets in Canada and across the world showed a snowy mountain. A blizzard was blowing all around, and the whole place looked unfit for human life. Nonetheless, at the peak of the mountain, wearing a fluffy and warm parka was Chris Maclean. He gave a grand smile to the camera, ready to start things off.

"Hello loyal fans! Welcome to another exciting season of Total Drama, the show you just can't get enough of. We're like the chocolate of the TV world, fattening you up on drama one bite at a time! Haha!" Chuckled Chris.

Chris threw up his arms, snow collecting upon his sleeves as he did so.

"Welcome to Total Drama Triangle, a season very much unlike anything you have seen before." Announced Chris. "Why is that? This season there are only three contestants, and the winner comes down to the most important vote there could possibly be. It'll be a battle of wits to ensure somebody else votes you as the winner, and to not let yourself be led to vote for the triumph of another person. All this, and having to put up with roughing it upon this freezing mountain! I wouldn't want to be them! Haha! Then again, I'm already a millionaire, so I wouldn't need to be."

Chris looked up, seeing a helicopter flying in, bearing the storm well. Nodding to himself, he turned back to the camera.

"Our latest victims are on their way. One will leave a million dollars richer. The other two will leave empty handed, and possibly with frostbite and maaaaaybe a few less fingers. If it sounds good now, you've not seen anything yet! So sit down, get comfy and join us for the most intense mountain top contest in history, Total Drama Triangle!

* * *

(Theme Song, I Wanna Be Famous)

* * *

Slowly but surely, the helicopter descended and came to a stop upon the snowy surface. The door opened and Chris grinned eagerly.

"Remember everybody, three contestants this season. Each one more insane than the last." Chuckled Chris. "We made sure to find the biggest weirdos we could to make up for the fact there headcount is smaller this season...and somehow, I doubt you'll be disappointed. Haha!"

Chris then gestured to the helicopter.

"Introducing our first contestant. He's the most academically forwards student at the University of Ottawa, but also the most socially backwards person on the campus. A young man who takes everything with the seriousness of a driven lawyer, even something like making cereal, please welcome Robert!"

A smartly dressed young man stepped from the helicopter, standing grandly in the frame of the open doorway. He had neat brown hair combed carefully that was below a wooly hat, a fine and fancy suit and an expensive padded winter coat. He had a look of seriousness upon his face.

"The game begins!" Said Robert grandly. "Get a good look look at me everybody. Take in my form. I shall be the one. I _will_ be the one! With my college smarts and large array of specific skills, I will-."

"Ah, shut yerr mouth!" Yelled somebody from behind Robert.

A moment later Robert was punted forwards, landing in a heap in the snow.

"Introducing our second contestant. He's a tough guy from the rural 'Murica' countryside more trigger happy than a drunken terrorist and ever since he learned how to talk he has not stopped yelling even once! Give it up for Theodore!" Announced Chris.

Theodore was muscular and tall, a true slab of pure muscle. And anger, a lot of anger. His face seemed prominently red with rage that matched the colour of his hair. He wore thick jeans, and a big hunting jacket over a casual shirt.

"I hear words! I hate words! You better shut your noise hole you city bastard!" Screamed Theodore.

"Oh, sir! Such shots fired!" Robert said, gasping with more theatrics than required. "But if a duel of words is what you are seeking, then I must warn you, I-."

Theodore punched Robert to the ground.

"Are we gonna start yet?!" Roared Theodore. "I'm vicious and ready to go!"

"It'll start once our last contestant is introduced." Assured Chris.

"And who might this competitor be?" Asked Robert.

At this moment a drunken looking girl flopped out from the helicopter, stumbling and hardly able to stay standing. She had a wild and crazy hairdo that was spiky and past the shoulders, a perfect mixture of aqua and blond. She wore a thick purple hoodie and orange pants, and a bobble hat. The girl sway as she stood on the spot.

"Yeeeeah, party time!" Exclaimed the girl, giggling. "Let's goooooo!"

"Why is she drunk?!" Screamed Theodore.

"An underage drinker? Ha, she will fall to my will like all others." Declared Robert. "I hold a degree in accounting, and I can count on her to lose to me."

"Accounting is the worst degree there is!" Roared Theodore. "Girl! What is your name?!"

"Um...I dunno!" Giggled the girl. "Too waaaaaasted to remember!"

"For the record, her name is Candy." Stated Chris. "Just saying."

"Candy is a nice name!" Screamed Theodore.

"Candy, eh? A girl so sweet, but destined for a defeat most sour. Alas, it's almost a Shakespearian tragedy." Said Robert grandly. "My opponents, I am ready for battle but I warn you that I-."

Theodore cut Robert off by hitting him over.

"If I throw him and Candy over the edge do I win?!" Asked Theodore, yelling extremely loudly.

"Ow! Like, your voice kills my head." Groaned Candy. "Please kinda don't."

Robert got to his feet, dusting snow off of himself.

"So, that's us then? The golden three...or golden me, and the silver and bronze them?" Asked Robert, smirking. "This showdown shall be _legendary_ , I say."

"Look who's confident." Noted Candy. "But I go this. I may not have study skills or muscles, but I have something better."

"Oh, really?" Asked Robert curiously.

"What is it then?!" Roared Theodore.

"Party spirit!" Exclaimed Candy, giggling as she swayed back and forth before collapsing upon the snow, drunkenly laughing over nothing.

"Her party cannot be matched...but her chances of winning, I am afraid I surpass." Declared Robert grandly. "So Chris, tell us al, what are the rules?"

"I'd like to hear them too!" Bellowed Theodore.

"Screw authority!" Giggled Candy, looking a mixture of peppy and tipsy.

Chris had the three contestants line up. He looked over them like a predator toying with its prey. But, he flashed his trademark grin and began to speak.

"Welcome to Total Drama Triangle, campers! You are all three points of the triangle, and until we have our winner this freezing mountain peak will be your home." Announced Chris. "The rules differ from a normal season. Rather than avoiding being voted off, or winning a challenge...you need to convince your opponents to vote for you to win the game."

Chris gestured to three pedestals nearby. Each had a red button on it and a flag with the face of each camper upon it.

"Here's how the voting works. You are not allowed to vote for yourself. You can push the button, but nothing will actually happen. Also, once you have pressed the button of another player, you cannot take it back...unless you all vote for a different person, which will start the cycle over again." Explained Chris. "You need to use your words to come out on top. And remember, you're staying here until the decision is made...stuck here, on the freezing mountain peak. Have fun! Haha!"

"Wait for but a moment!" Declared Robert. "You intend to leave us, all alone with not but a boon to help us survive? What if we freeze? What if we hunger? God forbid, do you intent us to cannibalise ourselves for nourishment? Poor show! ...And a rather gross show too..."

"Yeeeaaaahhhh, that sounds pretty bad Chris." Agreed Candy. "We need _real_ drinks."

"And food and blankets!" Roared Theodore.

In response to this, Chris stepped into the doorway of the helicopter with a smirk. He pointed to a nearby snowy ridge, and presumably the area beyond it.

"The Chrisucopia has everything you need." Assured Chris, before a nasty grin appeared on his face. "For about three days. Good luck~. Haha!"

With that, Chris stepped within the helicopter and shut the door. In a matter of moments the helicopter was in the air and leaving the three campers alone on the freezing mountain top.

"So, it will be a time before we can really start to talk of who is going to win, as we have only just met each other, have we not? I propose we check out what gear we have to last us. As mother always said, warm soup warms the soul." Declared Robert grandly.

"And as m-m-my mum often said...beer is the party!" Giggled Candy, before slinking alongside Theodore. "Carry me?"

"No thanks!" Screamed Theodore. "Let's see what we've got to last us!"

With that, the three campers straightened their winter costs and trekked along the ridge towards where Chris had gestured to them to go.

* * *

 **(A bit later…)**

* * *

The three campers sat around a fire. It was made from some supplied firewood from the Chrisucopia and a box of matches. The trio huddled a little, eating beef soup from metal bowls. Candy glanced at the Chrisucopia for a moment. She shuddered at the sight of the massive, metal head made in Chris' likeness. A decent amount of supplies were still placed within the mouth of it, unopened currently.

"Sooooooo." Began Candy with a giggly slur. "Who's gonna win this? Because, I think I totally should. I'm soooooooo popular at home. People would...would really love it!"

"Alas, I disagree. For you see, I am attending a University and have a number of future prospects. I am Captain of a trio of amazing clubs; theatre, wrestling and dental care. Furthermore, I have goals in mind...goals to change this world. Goals that would do well to have a million dollars backing them. So what say you? Push my button, pretty please?"

"...No thanks, I think I'd prefer to have the million." Admitted Candy, giggling as she slinked beside Theodore. "How about you? You wanna vote for me to win?"

"No thanks!" Screamed Theodore. "Robert, you're gonna go far without the money! And Candy, you'd just blow it on beer! I need that money for the family and ranch! So how about you go over there and press my button so we can save all of us some time?!"

"I should think not! End the game in just an hour? That's not enough time." Said Robert dramatically.

"I guess that is fair!" Roared Theodore.

A silence ensued, the trio finishing off their soup. Soon enough the bowls were empty and set aside, and conversation began anew.

"So, wanna press my button now?" Asked Candy hopefully.

"No." Replied Robert.

"How about now?" Suggested Candy.

"No!" Roared Theodore.

"How about you press my _button_?" Offered Candy, winking. "Maybe I could press yours after that?"

"That is disgusting!" Screamed Theodore.

"Whatever works." Giggled Candy, before shivering.

Candy grabbed three blankets from the Chrisucopia and soon the three wrapped them around themselves.

"I am afraid I must decline your offer, my valiant foe. I am very much a man and appreciate the beauty of a woman and her dainty touch, but my body is a temple of purity. I cannot allow myself to let your wiles consume me, least of all on this icy mountain top. The game is afoot!" Declared Robert grandly.

"My wiles could keep you warm if we start to freeze." Purred Candy, winking.

"Fortunately, we have blankets." Stated Robert. "We also have this warm fire to keep us going."

"It won't last forever!" Yelled Theodore. "We need to decide who wins this before we all freeze to death! The longer it goes on, the worst it will be!"

There was a pause. Candy scooted every so slightly closer to the fire.

"They wouldn't let us freezzzzzze, right?" Asked Candy, still slurring a bit.

"With Chris you can never tell!" Screamed Theodore.

"True. He did send an innocent girl into a radiated mine...and now, here we sit, on a mountain peek as cold as snow. How fitting, as snow is all around is." Noted Robert. "Ok then, I do declare we need to pitch more reasons we should win. So, let us have at it. Ladies first."

Candy nodded, swaying side to side as she pulled the blanket around herself a bit tighter.

"...I'd buy you guys drinks if you let me win." Giggled Candy, almost falling over.

"What kind?!" Roared Theodore.

"Veeeeeeery alcoholic." Said Candy with a wink.

"I'm afraid such beverages do not tempt me, for I am a man with sensitive teeth." Declared Robert.

"You're such a wimp!" Yelled Theodore, smacking Robert.

"On your guard fiend! Do not mess with a man who has sensitive teeth!" Threatened Robert. "It could cost you dearly, I say!"

"And if you don't vote for me to win I'll chuck you over the edge!" Roared Theodore. "I need that money! We need a new tractor and it'd do good things for the town! Plus, I could buy that dress my lady has always wanted!"

"What kind of dress?" Asked Candy. "Vvvvvelvet? Something with sequins?"

"I don't know! I'm not interested in fashion!" Screamed Theodore.

"I'd say that I should get the money. After all, it'd pay for dear old Gran's operation." Said Robert, wiping away a tear.

Candy swayed a little bit.

"This just got dark." Noted Candy.

"Canada has got free Health Care!" Roared Theodore, making the surrounding area tremble for a moment.

"It's the thought that counts!" Insisted Robert. "This will be a long night. Let's get some more soup on...but this team, how about something fancy. Perhaps vegetable?"

"Oh sure, that's really fancy!" Yelled Theodore.

Candy giggled, briefly letting out a drunken belch and then resuming giggling.

* * *

 **(The next day…)**

* * *

It had been a freezing night and tempers were flaring. Of course, not enough for any amount of warmth to be gotten from feeling hot headed. No, the three were just feeling glum and cold as they ate beef stew that, Robert had noticed, was a week beyond its use by date.

"It would appear that our dear host has intent to poison us." Remarked Robert. "At least he isn't resorting to juggy chunks."

"Those things looked disgusting!" Roared Theodore.

"Uh, guys? I think this can is mocking me." Whined Candy, looking at the can of stew she was eating from. "It's juggychunks...but with another label over it."

"Wait...so the beef stew is juggy chunks?!" Asked Theodore in horror. "We're stuck on a freezing mountain, and we only have juggy chunks?!"

Robert lowered his head, a hand over his heart and a grimace on his face.

"Chris, you sly _devil_." Whispered Robert. "So...how long until we start feeling like, dare I say it, zombies."

"I don't know! It depends on our eating habits!" Roared Theodore. "We'd better decide on a winner soon...let's make it easy and vote for me! My whole town could use that prize!"

"But Theoooooooo..." Whined Candy. "I need beer...and the soldiers do!"

"What are you talking about?!" Screamed Theodore.

"Well, I'm not just a party girl but also a cadet. The troops need beer for, y-y-you know, morale and stuff!" Insisted Candy.

Robert already looked ill from eating the juggychunks, gagging a bit.

"But my plans for the world need money to back them. Have a heart, for if you do then farmers, soldiers and a third party alike could all benefit, with myself leading the charge." Said Robert confidently. "Picture it...a world _without_ problems! Or sensitive teeth!"

"I think that's impossible!" Yelled Theodore.

"He's not...not drunk enough to pull it off." Slurred Candy. "Ooooo, I feel something-something..."

There were a few moments of silence before the trio retched, puking the juggychunks out, followed by much groaning. Rage in his eyes Theodore grabbed the cans of juggychunks and hurled them over the side of the mountain.

"Ha! Take that Chris, you soggy arsed bastard!" Roared Theodore.

"...Now we have no fooooooood!" Wailed Candy, holding her gut. "Some of those had edible beeeeeef!"

"Well, shit!" Yelled Theodore.

Robert could only gasp dramatically, a hand to his forehead, before he entered the Chrisucopia. He felt sickly and weak, but soon his gaze rested on something at the back of the mouth. A single loaf of wrapped bread, well in date.

"I'll just be having that." Said Robert quietly, before speaking up. "No food, and juggychunks in our souls! Oh, what a world!"

The three teens howled and groaned, the sickness getting worse as time passed.

* * *

 **(The next day)**

* * *

The three were cold, sick and, above all, miserable. The juggychunks were not out of their systems yet, and while it was not reaching the level of human rights violation it had in Pahkitew, the pain was beginning to reach the point where seppuku looked tempting. Alas, the Chrisucopia had no swords. Just thin blankets, juggychunks, stale water and sunscreen, the latter put there to mock them.

Theodore was screaming in rage at the injustice of it all.

Right now Theodore and Candy sat huddled by the fire, while Robert sat on top of the Chrisucopia. He claimed he wanted to enjoy the view, but the reality was that he just wanted to eat his bread where his hungry competitors couldn't see him and demand he share it.

"Urrrgh...this hurts..." Moaned Candy, looking pained. "I could really use some tender loving care."

"I am a one woman man!" Yelled Theodore, before hacking and gagging. "These juggy chunks...really hurt…!"

"At least we have water, right?" Called Robert.

"Stale water!" Roared Theodore.

"It's not got any kick to it." Moaned Candy, before gagging and puking again."Ewww…"

"You could melt the snow to get fresh water." Suggested Robert. "I was a scout, and a damn good one at that, if I do say so myself. I had all the badges, of course, but what less could be expected for a smart man with sensitive teeth? In fact, I also-OW!"

Theodore had chucked a full bottle of water squarely at Robert's forehead, knocking him off the side of the Chrisucopia and down onto the snow where he landed in a heap.

"Rude! You uncultured hoe!" Complained Robert.

"Shut your mouth!" Screamed Theodore. "...Oh boy…!"

Theodore puked again, cursing the unholy name of juggychunks as the snow turned a light shade of green. It wasn't long before Robert and Candy puked as well.

"Just vote me for the win!" Screamed Theodore, begging. "The sooner you guys do then the sooner can leave this God Forsaken mountain!"

"No way, I'm gonna stay here for a year if I have to." Said Candy, chugging some water as though it was beer.

"Alas, your admittedly brilliant pan has one fatal flaw." Said Robert dramatically. "I am terrible at losing!"

Much sickness ensued throughout the night the juggychunks and all related food poisoning getting worse and worse by the minute.

* * *

 **(The next day…)**

* * *

People often say that man, and woman, does not know when to quit. To bail. To throw in the towel. The three teens on the mountaintop would appear to prove this point. They were all sick, cold, hungry and, above all, pissed off. But none were ready to give up just yet. Human popsickles though they may have been, the three were still arguing over who should win. They were no longer by the fire, as it had burnt out, and instead were a few meters from the buttons.

"I could help the world!" Exclaimed Robert

"I could help the soldiers!" Insisted Candy.

"I could help my town and the animals on my farm! Your plans are too risky!" Roared Theodore.

Though they were still yelling, the teens were very quiet and shivering with the cold getting to them. Robert appeared to be handling it slightly better due to his thicker cloths, but only just.

"If we don't decide soon...the snow will decide for us." Said Robert nervously. "Alas! What a way to go!"

"Just press my button so we can go home!" Begged Candy. "I can't take this anymore! I'm cold, I'm sad...and I'm sober!"

Candy sobbed before flopping backwards and laying groaning. She wasn't getting back up, but she was still conscious. Just rather dazed.

"Come on, my good sir. Let is decide this quickly before Candy becomes a frozen treat." Suggested Robert. "Please, hit my button."

"NO!" Roared Theodore. "You upper class fucking poshy! Hit me instead!"

"Hit you? Oh, is it a fight that you want?" Asked Robert dramatically, a sudden gleam in his eyes. "Well come on then, hit me! We'll be frozen to death by midnight, so why don't we get this over with sooner? I warn you, I am quite the foe to have!"

"We'll see about that!" Screamed Theodore as he lunged forwards.

Robert barely managed to dodge the lethal punch and Theodore collapsed on the ground, shivering and groaning. It seemed he and Candy would not be standing up for a while.

Robert glanced around uneasily, the lone person still on his feet. He nodded to himself confidently.

"Ok, let's get this game over with before one of you freezes to death." Decided Robert. "I warned you! I am on the wrestling club and I am a man with sensitive teeth. You must _**never**_ mess with a man who has sensitive teeth!"

With that, Robert dragged Theodore towards the buttons. The angry redneck weakly struggled, but could not resist as Robert placed Theodore's hand upon his button. For a moment, Robert's flag glowed.

Letting Theodore lay moaning as it would only last a minute longer Robert then picked up Candy over his shoulder and gently pressed her hand upon his button as well. Robert's flag glowed once more.

A firework was sent off into the sky, spelling out Robert's name.

Snow began to be blown around as the helicopter from above began to descend. Robert covered his face with his arm as Theodore and Candy groaned. Robert gagged, fighting the urge to puke again. Soon enough the helicopter had landed and Chris stepped out, grinning his usual grin.

"And there we have it!" Announced Chris. "After juggychunk pains, the freezing cold, a lot of heated arguments and making use of a loophole just as I would have in his position... _ **Robert wins Total Drama Triangle**_!"

Robert cheered, almost dropping Candy and falling over in the process.

"Yeah! But, was there ever a doubt? I am a man of many skills." Smirked Robert. "Commiserations to me opponents though. They did well, and another our and I may have frozen to death...it was close."

"What will you spend your million on?" Asked Chris eagerly.

"Well, after being poisoned and nearly freezing on top of this godforsaken mountain I need a vacation before I can get cracking with my big plans." Declared Robert. "And there's only one place for a guy like me right now...Nantwich, baby!"

Robert than noticed Theodore was barely moving.

"Um...how about we get these two in the helicopter so you do not get sued?" Suggested Theodore.

"Good plan!" Agreed Chris.

* * *

 **(Not much later…)**

* * *

The helicopter was flying away from the icy mountain. Chef Hatchet flew it, saying nothing as he has no lines in this story which, if you think about it, is not that different from most of the latest three seasons of Total Drama. Chris sang along to Call Me Maybe on the radio, and the three campers were huddled in blankets, all feeling a bit under the weather. Cold weather, that is.

"I guess I should be glad it ended!" Yelled Theodore. "At least I don't have to be on this stupid show anymore!"

"And now I'm alllllll better." Giggled Candy, a bottle of beer in hand. "Any of you guys wanna join the arrrrrmy? I can give a g-g-good reason!"

Robert just chuckled.

"Perhaps another day." Replied Robert. "A day where we're not sick from those juggychunks."

Candy belched sickly at the thought of the demonic chunks of juggyness.

"I think we should talk about something else!" Yelled Theodore.

Robert considered this for a moment.

"...Anybody want to hear the grand story of how I was asked to attend a meeting at 8PM sharp, but became a reckless rebel and arrived at 8:01pm?" Offered Robert.

"I don't say why not!" Roared Theodore, shrugging.

"Mmm, tell me that story, and tell it me good." Giggled Candy.

Robert chuckled, launching into a monologue as the helicopter flew away into the sunset. It may have been TD's shortest season yet, but one thing was certain.

It was by far the most idiotic of them all…

* * *

Happy Birthday again Dragonie, fellow Christmas Baby! Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
